Bugs. My arch nemesis.
The reason I have to give myself pep talks to go outside. Their sneak attacks the direct result of my ears being fine tuned to the rustling of their wings and unwelcomed scuttling as I sleep. For years, I have been a source of amusement to the masses as I dodged, ran and escaped the onslaught of weekly attacks.
But no more.
I have finally realised that my daily torment has been preparing me for my destiny – surviving the zombie apocalypse!
Since moving to Thailand in May, I’ve had to deal with a bug army that puts South Africa’s to shame. Bugs have invaded my home in new and frightening ways I never dreamed were possible, but I have persevered. And my skills have been fine tuned so that I am ready more so than ever to face a world of animated corpses.
Here are 8 ways bugs in Thailand has prepared me for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse!
1. My agility puts Pikachu to shame
Living with insectophobia in Thailand means you have to learn how to move with speed and grace to avoid any attacks. From moths going homing missile on my ass to grasshoppers trying to catch a ride on my face – my agility is my number one defense.
This will be one of the strongest reasons why I will outlast other survivors when the world as we know it comes to an end. I have already spent years honing my lightning fast reflexes to get the fuck out of the way and will have zero problem ducking and diving under grasping limbs when a supply run goes wrong.
2. MY CARDIO IS EN POINTE
My amazing agility skill would mean jack shit if I wasn’t on top of my cardiovascular game. Sometimes it’s not good enough just to dodge an attack. Sometimes when a bug is pissed AF you need to get to your pre-determined safety point as fast as possible. Thailand’s moths and locusts have given me excellent practice in this field.
When shit hits the fan during a zombie apocalypse, I am going to have no problem getting to safety when the shit hits the fan.
3. I don’t forget to double tap – ever.
While my go to move is to get out of sticky situations as fast as possible – sometimes you need to face your problems head on. It’s in those situations that forgetting to double tap could mean an insects plan to trick you into thinking it’s dead could come true. When dealing with such formidable foes, you can’t afford second chances.
It’s better to be safe than spending another hour dueling each other to the death.
The same goes for zombies. We all saw what happens in Zombieland when you forget to double tap. Thailand’s bugs have put me through a mini-boot-camp around this rule. I am fully prepared to take zero chances when it comes to the undead.
4. I Check ALL My Bases
Thailand’s insects operate on a stealth level that is simultaneously admirable and utterly terrifying. It’s because of this that checking my bases has become second nature overnight. The first thing I do when I walk in a room is to scan it for any enemy agents and check their usual hiding spots.
But sweeping a room would be futile if I didn’t stay one step ahead of the enemy.
At the moment, I make sure there is a can of bug spray upstairs and downstairs in my house, my drains always have their plugs in ( you bitches outsmarted me once with that crawling up the drain plan – never again), and I stick to a strict dinner preparation schedule. This is because my kitchen is outside and my backyard goes full Dying Light mode if I’m still outside by the time the sun goes down.
Likewise, during the end of days, I am going to need this skill to keep me alive and avoiding any nasty surprises when clearing a new location.
5. I ALWAYS KNOW MY WAY OUT
What’s the point of having enviable cardio and agility if you don’t know where you are going? Running away blindly from the threat of zombies or a giant butterfly only means you leave the door open for things to go from bad to trapped on top of a car while surrounded by a blood thirsty horde.
This is why it’s I make a point of establishing my safe zones before attempting to confront a bug or entering a new space. By following this simple rule, I will avoid ever being outsmarted by the bug and being confined to a space because it’s blocking the only way out.
6. I’m self-taught in parkour
There have been a few times in Thailand when a bug or two has outwitted me and passed through all my security measures without raising alarms. When this happens, I unlock a special ability that allows me to defy gravity and achieve some pretty epic physical feats.
I can land perfect somersaults off my bed ready to roll out my next move. I can practically fly up or down stairs and I can jump onto or over various obstacles in the blink of an eye.
With all this self-taught parkour training under my belt, getting onto rooftops and using my ability to navigate myself out of tricky zombie situations is going to be a no-brainer.
7. I can make a weapon out of anything
When I first moved to Thailand, I was naive to the threat that awaited me at my new abode. I didn’t buy bug spray for a week and had very little at my disposal against any attacks. It was during this time that I learnt how to become resourceful.
My shoe unleashed its true potential, a water bottle became more than a means to keep me hydrated and my books literally became mightier than a sword.
It is because of my innovative thinking that I will be indispensable during the zombie apocalypse. Once all the ammo is gone all we will have left is melee weapons. And I’ll be the lone survivor that brings all the boys and girls to the yard with my mad weapon crafting skills.
8. Self Reliance Skill Level 10 000+
Since becoming an expat in Thailand, I’ve had to learn a bunch of life lessons that comes with living alone for the first time. The most important one being that I have no one to wake up in the middle of the night with my squeals of doom to remove an enemy soldier from my room.
Living abroad alone means I have had no choice but to become self-reliant and deal with the threat to my sanity myself.
This skill will be invaluable when everyone in my entire group dies and I am the sole survivor. During this time, my self-reliance will turn me into the Carol I was born to be as I take out assholes and zombies with one cunning move after another.
I think this all shows without a doubt, that my insectophobia is not anything to mock me about. I am clearly a very rational person who has turned years of torment into the ultimate weapon.
When the zombie apocalypse does happen I will be the survivor that outwits, outplays and outlasts you all.